You Might Be at a Redneck Funeral If…

My sister, parents and I made a 300 mile road trip from Dallas to a tiny East Texas town for a family funeral yesterday. The countryside was beautiful and trip was adventurous. But, I gotta tell ya, there is at least one branch of the family tree that is just a bit off… probably more than a bit really. They truly made it a redneck funeral. I find that humor typically helps me deal with things, and so, meaning no disrespect to my Great Uncle or his family, I give you the following list:

You might be at a redneck funeral if:

1. During the initial song {almost always “The Dance” by Garth Brooks}, a close relative of the deceased is loudly talking on the phone about who begat who in the family. And, his kids and grandkids are snickering in the pew beside him.
2. As the final song is playing {usually George Strait’s “This is Where the Cowboy Rides Away“}, the aforementioned rude family member gets up and walks out while at least 6 or 7 of his kids and grandkids follow… slowly… one by one. Then they hang outside the funeral home door smoking while waiting on everyone else to immerse from inside.
3. Once outside, you walk up on two young male cousins talking and ogling over two teenage female cousins at the end of the sidewalk. Note to others: do not attend family funerals and expect to pick up your soul mate while there. You know who you are… 🙂
4. The Keystone Light is busted into in the parking lot before the party is moved to the house.
5. The smell of Copenhagen is pungent in the hot, dry air.
6. At the tailgate party in the middle of the circle of Texas-size trucks, there are stories of bar fights and childhood scars flying from the mouths of two or three sweaty men in Wranglers, dirty boots, and unbuttoned denim shirts. All the while the horses, donkeys and chickens are running amuck with the children.
7. One of the sweaty men {using the term “men” loosely here} in the midst of one of his stories declares, “Ain’t nobody in this family smart.” {It is at this point that “someone” –ahem, me– has to interject, “Speak for yourself!” Laughter. Mumbling. End of conversation.}
8. Upon noticing no one has been fed, someone warms up food brought to the house for the family, and after chowing down on all the meatloaf, potato salad, and desserts, plus drinking all the beer and sweet tea in the house, said branch of the family tree promptly disperses like a Texas tumbleweed in the wind.