Funny that this is the current series we are going through at church: Unshakeable Faith. The series began on the Sunday morning following our doctor’s appointment on Thursday, March 27, where we were told that we had lost our baby, Reagan. It was simply the hardest news I’ve ever had to receive and the toughest test of my faith in my walk with Christ thus far. God has shown himself in so many situations in my life in just the past 8 years of choosing to following Him daily.
I began walking intimately with Christ while Super Dad and I were separated. As I was looking to fill a void left by Super Dad’s leaving, I was able to find true, unconditional love in Christ. My dedicated relationship with Him began in July 2000. My faith was new, but it continued to grow as I saw God’s presence in my life and in the hearts of my children. Jesus talks about the faith of a child and it amazing how my children have shown me more about faith than anyone ever could.
When Super Dad & I were separated, I remember being in the bathroom with 4 year old Prince W, waiting for him to finish brushing his teeth for bed. As I waited and he finished up, he said, “Mommy, I know that you and Drama Queen don’t like Daddy anymore … but I’m going to keep praying for him.” Ok,” I told him, “You do what you think you need to do.” He looked at me again and started making circular motions around his heart with his little hand, “You see, Jesus is trying to get into Daddy’s heart, but the devil is circling him and won’t let Jesus in.” I was in shock at his knowledge of Christ already, but proud of His faith in our Lord. He continued to pray and within months Super Dad and I were able to restore our marriage … all because of the unshakeable faith of a child.
Our most recent test of faith began with a simple statement from our (then) 3 year old, Princess JF. She began telling us in October ’07 that I was going to have two babies. I kept telling her that we weren’t having ANY more babies and that we most definitely would not be having twins! But, come January, we found out we were pregnant with baby #5! She was right all along. I remember asking her how she knew we were going to have a baby. She was simply delighted in the fact that the baby was coming. When we found out we lost the baby, Princess JF was actually the only other person with me that day at the doctor. When we left, I held her in the van and cried as she prayed. She told our older kids about the baby because I could not say the words. Every time she sees my crying, she gathers the whole family, asks everyone to hold hands, and prays not only for me and for our baby, but for the family as a whole. Her faith in God and her understanding in how He is present in every situation, no matter how small, teaches me how I should trust in Him as well. Just last week I remembered something … Princess JF said I would have two babies … one boy and one girl. Now, we have not yet been told Reagan’s gender, the test results won’t be back for several weeks, and I’m not sure I want to know at this time, but I realized that Jaden knew we would have TWO babies. I told her would weren’t having any more at all … but Reagan proved me wrong already. Now, as Super Dad & I are still praying about trying for another … Princess JF’s faith tells me that we still have one more baby coming from Jesus. Her faith is unshakeable.
Finally, even the smallest person can make a difference in the lives of others. Reagan, although never seen or felt outside my womb, has impacted my life in the biggest way. We know that faith in Christ is not an easy path, and that it is truly more about the destination than the journey. I had to choose from the very beginning of the situation to continue to put my faith in Christ. I could not question His plan for Reagan, I could only accept that my baby was too beautiful for earth and was needed much more in Heaven. I was completely devastated with the loss and it is the most heart breaking experience I myself have gone through. But, my faith in Christ is what helps me continue to walk through my grief, to continue to hold on, and to know that I will get to the other side of my pain. I can feel God’s presence surrounding me in those quiet times when I am focused on my baby I will never see. As others ask “Why your baby? Why not the undeserving pregnant mothers who do drugs or beat their children?” I reply, “I have no right to ask those questions. My faith alone keeps me from questioning God’s plan for Reagan. I simply pray for comfort daily and rest in knowing that I will one day be reunited with my baby.” Reagan has taught me that God is my “Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” Without Him, there’s no way I could walk through this journey. My angel baby has already shown purpose to my life and those around me … losing Reagan has shown me that my faith is strong and can not be shaken … even by death. I live only for God, completely trust in Him for my life, and will continue to pick up my cross and follow Him daily. Reagan has shown me that my faith is unshakeable.
“Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.” – James 1:12
Looking for more clarity in your life?
Sign up to receive practical tips to start journaling to bring more clarity into your life.