Mother’s Intuition

(Reposted from our MySpace blog):

Ya know, in all the times in my life when I was right … I was praying that I would be wrong at least this once. When I left for the doctor on Thursday morning, March 27, I simply put on our MySpace that we were “praying all went well.” Why? Because I had an awful feeling something was wrong. So, as I try to get through this (and I’m “writing my feelings down” in hopes of trying to work through my own grieving process) … I’ll explain the events of the day.

My doctor’s appointment was at 11:30am, and I went with the hope that the doctor would relinquish my fears and that I could continue on with this pregnancy with a new sense of relief. My fears began on Thursday, March 13 when I went to bed. I laid down and instantly felt really sick. I sat up, ran to the bathroom, came back to lay down, and spent the rest of the night up holding my stomach. I have never, in all 4 of the other pregnancies, felt this kind of nausea. My body felt warm and it was just “not right” to me. The next day I got online looking for “miscarriage” symptoms, but none listed extreme nausea as a sign … so I tried to dismiss my worries. The nausea would repeat itself at various times over the next week or so. I also noticed that I wasn’t showing as much as when I was pregnant with the little princesses … but dismissed that to the “wishful thinking” that I was carrying a boy. Other than that, everything was normal.

So, when I got to the doctor on Thursday, the first thing he did was feel for the uterus to check for growth. I asked him if it was growing and he said it felt as it should, and I simply told him I was relieved to hear that at least because I didn’t feel as though I was growing as with the last two. Next, he got out the doppler and began searching for a fetal heartbeat … all he found was mine. He kept moving the doppler around, feeling the uterus, changing directions, pushing harder, anything to find the baby’s heartbeat … but he found nothing. As I laid there, I knew in my heart that my worst fear was about to be confirmed. I prayed as I laid there waiting for him to bring in the sonogram machine … “please, God, let there be a heartbeat”. Tears streamed down my face as soon as I saw the first sonogram image … I’ve had enough sonograms to know what they should look like … and it was painfully obvious that there was no apparent heart beating in the baby’s chest. The picture of my baby laying there motionless is forever burned into my memory. Everytime I close my eyes I can still see it as though it were right in front of me.

The doctor began measuring the baby, without saying a word. I watched and noticed the measurements were putting the baby two weeks behind where we were in the pregnancy. The baby stopped growing two weeks ago … around the same time the nausea began. Finally, the doctor spoke, “We have a problem.” I simply said, ” I know, there’s no heartbeat.” He pushed around on my stomach to try and stimulate the baby, but there was still no movement, no heartbeat. He tried repeatedly to find some small glimmer of hope within the chest cavity, but I knew it wasn’t there. As I sat up in tears, he simply hugged me and tried to console me … and poor Princess JF, the only one I had with me, had no idea how to comprehend what had just taken place in front of her. I called her over and held her tight as the doctor explained the next steps to me. I could either experience the miscarriage “naturally” (which I am praying doesn’t happen because I don’t think I could handle it right now) or I could have a D&C. The D&C is scheduled for this Wednesday(4/2) at noon. Afterwards, the baby will be sent to the pathology lab to try and determine why it died. Hopefully, we can get some sort of closure just knowing “why?”

The past two days have gone by in slow motion. I can’t eat, sleep, or simply function as a normal person. My days are filled with heartache and tears … I know nothing else right now. I find comfort not only in knowing that God is in control and will care for my baby until we are reunited in heaven, but also in my husband, my kids, and my family. I have no idea how to deal with these emotions and have never felt pain like this in my life. I’ve lost people close to me before, but nothing can relate to the loss of a child. It doesn’t matter to me that I have never held this baby in my arms … it’s still my baby. I saw it moving around with a normal heartbeat at our first appointment. I’ve seen the baby alive within me.

Superdad says that no one else within our home can know the pain I feel since I am the only one that has had the real opportunity to bond with it. It was not yet big enough to be felt or seen from outside my stomach. But, the kids still mourn. Their tears simply bring me more pain. Princess JL is too young to understand, and Princess JF tells people that our baby had no heartbeat and went home to Jesus. But, she still keeps asking when it’s going to come out. She was SO looking forward to this baby … more than the other 3. Funny, I’ve tried for the past 2 weeks to try and look pregnant, instead of just chubby … but now I’d give anything to hide my “baby bump.” I simply don’t want people touching my belly or asking me questions … if they can’t tell I’m pregnant, they won’t ask about it. I don’t want to see anyone. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I just want to crawl up in bed and stay there for a while … surrounded only by my family. I need them to hold me and let me know that it’s going to be ok. At this point, I know I have 4 amazing kids already, but this baby meant no less to me than one of them … and I have to grieve for it. I needed my mom to hold me and tell me it wasn’t my fault … I didn’t do anything wrong. I needed her to tell me I had to eat and had to quit starving myself. I needed to hold my dad and cry with him as he shed tears for the grandchild he too would never see on earth.

My emotions are all over the place. I’m confused, sad, filled with guilt, anything but angry. I assured my hubby that I had no anger towards God as I mentioned to him that I could not attend church this Sunday (3/31). I still pray daily … asking for comfort, peace, understanding. I understand that God sometimes takes home those babies that may have a more than challenging life here on earth (the doctor mentioned that there may have been some abnormality in the formation of the baby’s head) and will care for the baby until we arrive. So, please simply pray with us as we go through this process. I’ve read a few articles on pregnancy loss and I know myself enough to know that the pain and the sadness will forever be with me … but I will get through this with God’s help. He has already shown Himself in so many situations in our lives … I know He’ll be present even more as we walk through this time.

365 Days of Gratitude
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